got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
