Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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