I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
