If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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