Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
