i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
