There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
