woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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