The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize