Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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