I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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