After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
