I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
