you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
