Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
