"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
