I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
