we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
