You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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