Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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