When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
