I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
