If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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