You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
