bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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