my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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