btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
