if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i need some magic done to my vagina
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
