No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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