im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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