ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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