I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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