Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
