I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
