I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
