nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
