Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
