I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
