If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it hurts more in the daytime
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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