Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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