Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
