there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
