I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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