omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
