That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
