Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
