Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
