I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
