Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
