Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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