Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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