where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
