Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
