you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
