I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We're too hungover to prance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
