the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize