i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ttyl tear gas
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
