Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
