Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
