so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
