Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
