'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize