thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
