hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
