My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
